The eX-Factor
Almost all of us have them.....Memories of the firsts, the lasts, how we learned to love, how we learned to be strong, how we learned to heal. Relationships that shook us, those that made us a little tougher, and those that almost ran us over. Relationships without which, we wouldn't be who we are today. So....when you're ready to build a life with one person, what happens to the memories and dare I say......the feelings? How often do people love only one person during the course of their life and marry them and live happily ever after anyway? For most of us it doesn't happen that way, so it begs the question: How much does the eX-Factor factor?
About two weeks after my husband proposed, he announced to me that he was cutting off any and all women that he may have ever had feelings for or that may have ever had feelings for him. I thought this was a bit drastic, but he felt led to do so by God. That being said, I hadn't yet received a message from God, and I didn't have any problem with exes (ok, I know, but that one was already notified), so that would be his thing. A few days later, I got a call from a guy friend that "used to like me junior year". We started talking and laughing and TOTALLY proving my point. How could I remove someone from my life that I get along with great and always makes me laugh? The man that loves me more than life should totally understand. I told my friend about my upcoming wedding and how excited I was, and long story short, the conversation ended in a really weird and unexpected argument.....yes, argument!
Was my friend just concerned that I was too young to make such a commitment? Did he simply remember me saying at one point that I would probably never choose to marry? Or was I delusional to think that a man and woman who had never even kissed could be platonic friends? Are we only friends with people that we think we could possibly end up with one day? And if I couldn't be "just friends" with someone that I wasn't even physically attracted to, then would I have to refrain from male relationships all together as long as they existed outside my circle of confirmed blood relatives? And here..... come..... the questions........
Sure, it is a fact that some exes have ruined some relationships. Clearly, if this person was first-runner-up in the love of your life contest, then you probably shouldn't keep them around. But if you are truly in love and committed to the one you're with, then what harm is a phone conversation with a former flame that you have no current feelings for?
One of my pre-marriage experiences contradicts this a bit..... I was told things that a seriously committed ex should NEVER have been telling me. If his woman knew, I'm sure she would have DIED! Although the qualities that pushed me out of the relationship were of course only magnified by the fact that he was now committed (and that he couldn't keep an intimate secret), I have to admit, it kind of brightened up my day to hear that he had such huge regrets and that the woman had major issues (cruel perhaps....but honest). The danger I posed as an ex, was not that I would try to take her man, but that I walked around feeling that I could.
I would never want to make anyone, let alone the person that I promised before God to love forever feel that way......but were exes all bad? Surely we could protect our current relationships by refraining from over-sharing and trips down memory lane. After all, our exes taught us how to communicate, how to feel, how to support, how to show love, how to apologize, how to forgive, and lets face it........ they also taught us everything we know ;). So if we manage to build a great long-term relationship, that is in part, thanks to our exes isn't it? The memories, after all, are just lessons. And the old feelings were only a taste of what we would experience once truly in love.
Well, after much evaluating, I did end up cutting my male-friend circle down to a very, VERY spouse-approved few. I found that I was about to marry my favorite person to laugh with, the person I could tell everything, and the very best person to take down memory lane. Now.......I was thinking....... I clearly never cut my hubby out of my life when we were apart and in other relationships.......so how early in a relationship should you do this? My advice is.....do it when your SURE....not a second sooner, or a second later.......
OK, that's BULL ...SCRATCH IT! Do it when that fool has proposed! Because you KNOW that ten years with no friends AND no ring is not even a little cute!
I figure exes are sorta like text books......stay with me, I have a point...... Your life depends on them when it's time for you to learn, and even though you'll remember some of the lessons, you get rid of them when your done because you can't afford to keep them around anymore.
